I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
