I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
