If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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