Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
