I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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