Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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