I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's official drugs can't kill me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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