Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
