farters have to be the big spoon...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
