the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
organizing the empties. That sober.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
