I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
