Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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