So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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