With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
