how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
