so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
