Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
