Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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