i permit you to call me
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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