When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
What a dumb baby whore.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
