I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
