We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
