He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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