so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
