More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
