If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize