Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize