R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
