My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
