Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
