Already got asked if we're dating
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Never let your siblings swipe right.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
