In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
