She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
