YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
