Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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