Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
