Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
