we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
