I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
