if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
