4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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