i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
