he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
