I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
