i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize