Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
