Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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