I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
