you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
