then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
