that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
