seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
