3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Sext me about skeletons
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
