im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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