how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
