just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
