the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
