Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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