I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
